Why Your Business Skills Won't Fix Your Food Problems

Finding Sanity & Balance~

I'm on the Speakers Bureau for the networking group "Over 40 Females."  Recently I was asked to give an on-line presentation about how I work with women struggling with disordered eating and food issues.  Click here to view this 25 minute presentation.   

Beyond the Looking Glass

(a poem by Dina Z & a song with music by Carolyn McLanahan)

As a child I felt such hurt and shame

To survive I learned to play the game

Kept the secrets, learned to hide

Trapped inside.

Loathe the body I reflect

Shattered by the disconnect

Lie to myself that I am whole

Oh, the hunger in my soul.

Decorate the outer shell

And lock away the private hell.

Sculpted, carved, invincible.

Brittle, starved, invisible.

Fear every mirror I pass,

Can’t see beyond the looking glass

In a world that teaches that affection

Is reserved for those who reach perfection

It’s Mother Nature we reject

Destroy the figure we reflect.

Glorify the false ideal

Just click and drag away what’s real

Salvation from the surgeon’s knife

A pill to quell the thirst for life.

Alter our genetic fate

The silent cry of body-hate.

Sculpted, carved, invincible.

Brittle, starved, invisible.

Fear every mirror I pass,

Help me see beyond the looking glass.

Safer to be admired than loved

But you said I was good enough.

My shame could not imagine why.

Your love for me felt like a lie.

Alone so long, I feared your touch

Believing I might need too much.

Thought I was just a pretty face

But you said I should take up space!

Though scared to love, I made the choice.

You listened, so I found my Voice.

Through your eyes I now can see

And love the far-from-perfect me.

In your heart, I’m finally home

‘Cause I let myself be truly known.

I was

Sculpted, carved, invincible.

Brittle, starved, invisible.

Now I look into the mirror I pass,

And see beyond the looking glass.

The Stages of a Conscious Marriage

        (This is a talk that Gerald Drose and I presented years ago...)

We decided to call this talk Conscious Marriage although it's really about

how couples develop and change.  This also happens to be similar to how

individuals develop and change, only being part of a couple allows you to

have support for your development and to be a part of someone else's

development. It's fundamental to know that what relationships are about is

your own personal growth and the growth of your partner, yet there are few

places in our culture or in our lives where we get to really witness or

learn about this process.

        The major theorists writing in the area have identified certain stages that

couple go through and the crises that arise in each stage that must be

successfully negotiated in order for the couple to move on to the next stage. 

        The beginning of a relationship is often referred to as the "bonding

phase."  It is the stage when couples come together in romantic zeal, drawn

together by needs which may be out of each of their  conscious awareness.

The prominent theory for how we pick our life partner is that you are drawn

to someone whose strengths are your weaknesses and whom you unconsciously

hope to learn these things from. They represent the parts of yourself which

are undeveloped.  For instance, we met and fell in love during the latter

part of graduate school.  (Dina talking:) Gerald's attraction to me had

something to do with the fact that I was extremely organized and was well on

my way to finishing my PhD dissertation, working a few hours every day,

making the idea work.

(Gerald talking:) while I was obsessing for hours reading book after book

changing my ideas every month for about a year.  There was a consistent,

organized part of her that worked through frustration without changing her

mind, while I was a perfectionist that was continually searching for the

perfect idea and she was a doer --with a less than perfect idea but a strong

need to be finished.

(Dina talking:) I realize that part of what I was attracted to in Gerald was

a confidence in himself as a professional that I lacked, a belief that he

could enter any complex situation and find a creative solution whereas I

felt young, green and scared of leaving the safety of the student role and

becoming a responsible adult. 

        If you look back on your relationships you can probably identify a  part

that the other person had that you felt you lacked.  This pattern is more

likely to occur the younger the members of the couple are in their personal

development.  It may have been the way he was with friends, or the way she

took care of herself, or his confidence in the work place, or her closeness

to her family.   

        That's why falling in love is often described as feeling like you have

found your other half, that you have become ONE. It is like two half-people

come together, fitting like the two sides of Yin and Yang and you have one

whole circle.  

         Many believe that this feeling defines romantic love, that his person

makes you whole.  This is the illusion of romantic love that has been passed

down through centuries of literature and is now firmly embedded in the

unconscious of us all. The illusion is quite simple--that someone else can

fill that empty part in you. 

        Now you have in front of you the only two people on the planet who have not seen the movie "Titanic."  But from what we've heard about it, it sounds

like one of the reasons it has so captured the hearts of the viewers is that

it portrays this ideal love scenario very effectively--the wealthy,

inhibited, over controlled woman who falls in love with the free, creative,

poor but passionate young man--and this was a love that never moved beyond

the romantic stage and was etched forever in memory as that perfect union.

We'll never know if their relationship would have survived the difficulties

of the real world when they got back on dry land--but we don't even care!

Last night Gerald and I saw "As Good as it Gets"--again, opposites

attracting.  He saw in her the humanity, the possibility for human

connection that he lacked.  It's harder to understand what she saw in

him--but I think he had her the moment he said, "There is no one else who

sees that you are the most incredible woman on the planet." And isn't that

we all fantasize about?  That someone will see the true wonderfulness inside

of us? But again, the movie ends before we ever see them trying to negotiate

the next phase (I'd give them three months, tops).   Hollywood has little

interest in going there--how boring!

        So you have two half-people coming together to form a  whole--and therein

lies the first cost of this stage of a relationship.  While we may convince

ourselves that we will integrate these aspects of or partner into ourselves--or learn from them the things they are good at--in fact after a period of time we seem to quit developing these underdeveloped parts of ourselves because it is so much easier to let the other person do it--besides, they are so much better at it than we are--and sometimes they may even criticize us when we do it (subtly at first, then not so subtly). 

        This is the central conflict of the first phase of  a relationship.  If a

couple comes together because of each person's expertise in a particular

situation, when the other attempts to develop some expertise it can be very

scary to the expert! Experts do not like to feel obsolete or replaceable.

For example, (Dina talking) my role, as the organized one, was to plan and

prepare meals, remembering Gerald's empty refrigerator when I first met him.

If I left town I would cook, freeze and label meals (just as I'd seen my

mother do for my father) convinced that Gerald would starve to death while I

was gone--or worse, go out to eat for every meal while I was gone (as the

organized one I also had to be on top of how we spent money, you see). Here

was an adult man with a son who had never gone hungry or broke before my

arrival.  But my delusion that I was irreplaceable made me feel terribly

needed and special.

         This bonding phase requires the maintenance of the original illusion.  I

often ask clients dealing with the end of a relationship if they remember

having doubts in the beginning about this person and what they did with

those doubts. Yes, they admit, there were clues very early on that this was

a bad match but the little voice that was concerned about these things was

bound, gagged and thrown in a closet by that part of them that wanted the

high of that romantic feeling. The desire to bond tightly is so powerful it

will talk a person out of their doubts for a while. There is no drug that

matches the high of falling in love--food tastes better, the sun shines

warmer and every love song was written for you.  Heroin? Crack? Who needs

them?  It's only when things are falling apart that a person can admit that

the problems were there all along, they just wouldn't allow themselves to

see it and know it because it would have killed the high and kept the

relationship from ever happening.

        A famous psychiatrist wrote a book about therapy called "Love's

Executioner"  He titled it this because so often people drop out of therapy

just when they start to fall in love--they start feeling so good that they

decide they must be fine and "who needs therapy when I'm so happy," and then

we see them years later when they are waking up from their dream-state with

major relationship problems. The title refers to the fact that therapy can

be seen as the executioner of Romantic Love--because it's about seeing

reality, having your eyes open and your feet on the ground--while romantic

love is about illusion, projection and denial.  Whenever I see people who

are waking up and getting out of destructive relationships and afraid they

will just repeat the pattern again, I tell them to commit to themselves that

they will get in therapy the next time they feel themself falling in

love--as a reality check.  It certainly tempers some of the high--which for

a true romantic may seem a bitter pill to swallow-- but it can help a person

avoid major pitfalls down the road. 

        The bonding phase is completed as the illusion is gradually replaced by

painful reality.   At the start the connection was so tenuous it required

constantly maintaining the illusion until there was enough security in the

strength of the relationship to test it.  Somehow a silent signal is

arranged between the couple that can be interpreted as meaning," Now, it's

safe, we can begin to let up a bit on this romantic behavior and get down to

the real thing."  Many people remember this moment as their first big

fight--and it's a pretty scary event! Our first fight happened six months

into the relationship at the Atlantic House restaurant, a structure built on

stilts sitting out over the ocean on Folly Beach off of Charleston, South

Carolina.  When Hurricane Hugo hit and we saw pictures of the devastation in

Charleston, the Atlantic House was reduced to a pile of sticks.  Now we look

back and think if every structure that we ever had a fight in was destroyed

it would look like Sherman had marched through the South again!

        When this honeymoon-is-over phase starts, many couples think it is the end

of the bonding process--it's not.  What preceded was the prelude, now the

relationship is in Act One. The prelude had to be enjoyed in order for the

reality testing to commence.  The longer it takes to get to this phase, the

higher the cost--the price paid being the development of true intimacy and

the expression of each partners' True Self. 

        A word here about affairs.  This shift from the romantic phase to the

disillusionment phase is a time when affairs are most likely to occur,

especially when one partner is committed to maintaining the illusion of

romance in his life.  When the demands of external reality and the passage

of time make it difficult to maintain the illusion, the one more desirous of

that original feeling may seek it out somewhere else, telling themself that

because the feeling is gone, they must have picked the wrong person--not, oh

yeah, this is the natural phase that all relationships go through and that

we can weather together...

        Many couples do not have affairs but instead develop subtle and not so

subtle ways to exit the relationship without really leaving. One may become

overly involved in work rather than come home to the build-up of tension.

They may spend hours in front of the TV or the computer-- numbing out rather

than arguing. One may become involved in projects around the house so there

never seems to be time to sit and relate. 

        It's as if each fears that the relationship cannot withstand the explosion

of the build-up of tension and they silently non-verbally agree to keep

things at a comfortable distance--never quite resolving conflicts, storing

up and holding onto resentments, never clearing the decks.  Sexual frequency

may drop off, and when they do decide to be sexual it feels detached and

emotionally unsatisfying.  They learn the art of having their bodies

together and their hearts far apart. 

        Many times this phase begins when children are born, or struggles around

money and power develop.  She might start focusing her energies in other

places.  Perhaps she decides to go back to school or further develop her

career.  Perhaps they have children and her focus shifts away from the

relationship to the needs of the kids.   Perhaps he takes up running and

develops new friendships that take him away from her for periods of time.

        Many couples "drift apart" so far they end up divorced.  More than 50% do

not survive this phase.  Many people just do not have the knowledge or the

skills to make this phase work.  They may have had poor role-models in their

own parents. Or they were so deeply asleep and unconscious when they married

that when they awoke to the reality of their partner they had no desire to

stay with that person. 

        This phase is lengthy and it's about:

*How do we fit together now that we know who we really are? 

*How do we negotiate the differences in our personalities that once

attracted us to each other and now drive us nuts?

*What parts of ourselves are we willing and able to change? 

*Are the changes that my partner wants from me going to benefit me also, or

just them?

*Am I able to let go of some of the things I hope my partner will change and

accept them for who they are and give up the fantasy that there is a better

match out there for me? 

*Am I getting enough of my emotional needs met in the relationship that it

is worth the price of giving up my fantasies and illusions?   

        There are a couple of important ingredients that allow couples to move into

the next phase. 

*Number one is TRUST.  Not the fidelity trust but rather the faith that

together the couple can work through difficulties--or at least is willing to

risk it. This trust is an indicator of the strength of the commitment to

each other.

       

*Another necessary ingredient for surviving this phase is a healthy dose of

TOLERANCE.  The ability to recognize that "I'm human and fallible, therefore

I can accept you as fallible, too, neither of us is perfect" provides a

safety net for the risky process of letting go of the illusions and being

more real.  Showing ones True Self, warts and all, makes a person very

vulnerable to being criticized, for having these vulnerabilities used

against them at a later date, for being seen as less than perfect.

Acceptance and tolerance of each other's essential imperfection and

humanness makes this phase less painful and more successful.

       

*A third ingredient is RESPECT. If the latter part of the bonding phase is

spent building respect then the differentiation can take place without it

being such an overwhelming, terrifying event.  Respecting one's partner and

feeling respected allows partners to hang in there through the rough times

but feel that they are not being abused.  The more respect there is, the

more couples will allow  each other to expand and develop new aspects of

themselves through experimenting in their careers, taking courses, trying

new sports, making new friends. The relationship is less of a clinging,

desperate thing but a more mutually supportive traveling thing.

        For those that do survive this phase, what does the new picture look like?

What happens is the couple will begin to be more honest with

each-other--less afraid of upsetting each other and having disagreements or

conflicts. Sex at this time begins to be less theatrical and less fantastic.

Each member is beginning to reclaim or perhaps discover for the first time--

his or her True Self.  This means becoming more aware of our needs and

separating them out from our partner's needs. 

        Partners become more intentional in their interactions-- meaning they don't

just react to each other unconsciously, but become more aware of the effects

of their behavior on the other and work to find ways to communicate that

increase goodwill and trust. Each partner takes responsibility for

communicating their needs and desires and lets go of the fantasy that their

partner will intuit their needs.  There is the realization that even when

you state your needs outright there will be times when you have to meet your

needs yourself. And finally there is an acceptance that all good

relationships require work.

         The two halves of the whole separate themselves out and become two wholes.

They no longer need each other to feel like they have a place in the world.

Now that they don't need each other for their survival, they are choosing to

be together.

        We think this bicycle analogy provides a very clear and helpful image for

you to imagine when thinking about these various phases:

        In the bonding stage, both partners are on the same bike, a dominant

partner pedaling, a dependent partner riding on the handlebars. Eventually,

the dependent partner gets sick of the bumpy ride up there on the handle

bars and the dominant partner gets tired of supplying all the power. The

rider may kick the peddler off so they can change direction or speed.  If

they are still trying to use the same bike but are fighting over who is

supplying the power and where they are going they'll end up going nowhere!

        If a couple can differentiate, they each get their own bicycle and they

ride side by side.  Each is powerful and caring enough about the other one

to regulate their speed.  They ride separately but together. Sometimes one

can go faster than the other, but it's always with the care and respect to

notice if the other is coming along so that one does not get too far behind.

        When the couple survives the disillusionment phase then they move into the

final phase which is usually referred to as intimacy. This last stage makes

the rest of the struggle worthwhile.   Sometimes a renewed interest in

spiritual concerns or a sense of the finiteness of time causes you to look

at your partner with a new appreciation.  You get better at tolerating the

conflicts, at apologizing and making up, at clearing the decks.   You

realize you can travel more efficiently through life as two together, can

negotiate life with double the wisdom and experience -- plus you get the joy

of sharing the stress and the beauty of the journey with another

person--which fulfills our fundamental human need to share life's journey

with another.  In this way, what started as two halves becoming whole,

separated into two wholes, now develops into an entity where the whole is

greater than the sum of its parts--where the relationship is a third entity

with a life of its own that greatly benefits each of the participants in  it.

        Returning to the bicycle metaphor, this is the stage where the couple rides

a bicycle built for two.  One can pedal and the other can rest, and they can

switch off, as they explore new territory together.  There is a return of

romance and good sex.  Sex is no longer a power trip or a sleeping pill, but

a way for two people to share closeness and unconditional love.  Romance is

again possible because the partners nourish each other in so many ways that

their capacity for love is increased with each interaction.

        What does it take to travel across this territory? It takes the courage to

allow your True Self to be seen by another human being. Beyond that it takes

compassion, empathy, tolerance and the will to be more than a survivor, to

be a participant in our own destiny.  The reward is the joy of loving and

being loved throughout the remainder of your lives. 

Fiona: Canine Co-Therapist

The scrawny poodle with spindly legs and a too-long Dr. Seuss-ish curvy tail was not pretty, but she fit all three criteria. She was 1. a rescue dog, 2. small, and 3. a non-shedder.

It was mid-December of 2009, and the only thing our boys wanted for Christmas was “a new little dog we can cuddle on the couch!” We had strict criteria since we already had a big dog, plus we had allergies. So when I spotted that weird stray dog at the pet shelter, I told the adoption counselor, “We’ll take her!”

“Not so fast. She needs to meet everyone in the family, including your dog.” So we all gathered inside of a small cage-like room, along with our golden-doodle, Murphy. The counselor gingerly brought Dr.-Seuss-Tail into the cage. In a flash, she transformed from a cartoon character into the evil cave rabbit in “Monty Python’s Holy Grail,” snarling and attacking Murphy who was six times her size. Apparently, this was a match made in Hell.

The counselor brought in Dog #2, a sweet stray who simply ignored Murphy. After Evil Dog #1, we were relieved. “We’ll take him!” “Not so fast!” the counselor admonished. “You want a dog that will play with Murphy!”

Dog #3 was a roly-poly poodle puppy. “We’ll take him!” “Not so fast! He’s not house-broken. This won’t work for two working parents.”

I was starting to feel despondent. Suddenly her assistant perked up: “I know just the dog!” She ran to the back room and hauled a fat white fluffy MaltiPoo (half Maltese, half Poodle) from a small cage. Josephine wagged her curly pigtail at Murphy, sniffing and wiggling her pleasantly plump body. Then she greeted each of us warmly, wagging and sneezing. When I picked her up, she felt like a soft teddy bear from my childhood. “We’ll take her!”

On the ride home, two things happened: we re-named her “Fiona” (after the character in “Shrek”: zaftig and full of inner beauty!) and she fell head over heels in love. With me. Instead of bonding with my boys like we’d hoped, she picked me to be her Human.

When I placed her on the couch between the boys, she’d hop off and follow me out of the room. Worst of all, whenever I left her to go to work, she’d poop in my bedroom.
“This is why her other family gave her up!” my husband growled, scooping up and disposing of her “coming home present” in a wad of paper towels.

At my wit’s end, I decided to bring her with me to work at my therapy office. Little did I know the multiple ways that this desperate decision would pay off.

It’s been almost three years, and Fiona happily accompanies me to work most days, sitting by our front door and staring at me each morning as I gather my purse and keys.

I never meant for Fiona to be a therapy dog, but she had other plans. She’s become our office mascot, a big hit with colleagues and clients. She greets all newcomers in the waiting room, sniffing each foot and pant leg to learn about the poor animal who was not fortunate enough to accompany their Human out the door that morning.

My clients are happy to see her and she greets them warmly, shoving her nose deep into their purse to see if they’ve brought treats. Over this time, four clients have purchased MaltiPoos simply because they were so impressed with Fiona’s calm and loving demeanor.

The shy teenager with anorexia feels her anxiety soothed as she sits on my couch: what teenager doesn’t love a fluffy dog? The mother whose daughter committed suicide runs her hands over Fiona as she weeps over her loss. The shy man with shaky social skills opens up easily as we talk about our dogs. The woman who feels silly grieving over the death of her cat feels that it’s safe to cry here, knowing I’m an animal lover. The man with depression smiles when Fiona reaches her paws up to his knees. The obsessive worrier is calmed by her presence. And when a couple comes in for marital therapy and the tension is thick, Fiona makes herself scarce lest she be the next target of an angry outburst.

The best and most unintended benefit of my canine co-therapist is the effect she’s had on me. For these past three years, I’ve felt calmer, happier and more at peace. Her soft, accepting and always happy presence lowers my heart rate and increases my relaxing alpha brain waves. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she lowers my cholesterol.

Even (and especially) therapists need a little therapy, too.

Eating Disorders in the Family: Support for the Overlooked Tween

Recently, there’s been a growing awareness of the problem of eating disorders among women who are middle-aged and older. Guidebooks have been developed for the adult offspring of these moms to help them support their ill parent.   

But what if the child of the eating disordered mom is just a kid?  And what about the young siblings of teenage eating disorder sufferers?

Children between the ages of eight and 13 often end up as collateral damage in these families.

At a highly tumultuous stage of emotional, cognitive and physical development, tweens who live in a family wrestling with an eating disorder may be anxious, confused and overwhelmed by conflicting messages about food and their growing bodies. Often the needs of these kids are subsumed by the family’s total immersion in the illness and recovery of the “sick” family member.  

Imagine these scenarios from the child’s perspective: 

• A 10-year-old girl attempts to eat dinner but feels guilty when her mom serves a substantial meal to the family while only allowing herself dry lettuce and black coffee.   
• A 12-year-old girl notices her body changing. Dealing with this normal pre-pubertal weight gain is challenging enough around her skinny friends, but she’s mortified to discover that her exercise-addicted older sister wears smaller jeans than she does.  
• An 8-year-old boy feels an ineffable sense of dread when he hears his mom vomiting in the bathroom after dinner every night.  Afraid something is terribly wrong, he takes his cues from his Dad, holding his fear inside since he’s learned that “Mommy’s problem” cannot be discussed openly.       

Fast forward 20, 30, 40 years.  These are the adults suffering from depression, low self-esteem, addictions and eating problems.  Being raised in these families profoundly shapes their self-concept, their relationship with food, their interpretations about their emotional needs and their body image. They may struggle with feeling “too needy” in their intimate relationships. They may be driven by a chronic need to please and take care of others.  They may wrestle with drug addiction or develop their own eating disorders, having never learned to relate to food in a healthy way.  

Thankfully, even kids in these trying family situations can be remarkably resilient if certain needs are met. Here are ten fundamental needs of these kids:        

1. Additional sources of emotional support outside of the immediate family
2. An intellectual understanding that eating disorders are an illness so they don’t blame their family member or themselves
3. An awareness of the ups and downs of the recovery process
4. The knowledge that their feelings about the situation are normal, along with appropriate ways to manage sadness, anger, fear and envy
5. Healthy ways to deal with boredom, anxiety and perfectionism
6. A vision of Normal Eating
7. An understanding of the complex connection between food and feelings   
8. A dose of media literacy to inoculate them to “eating disorder messages” in the culture
9. A knowledge of why restricting food (i.e. dieting) could be potentially dangerous for them
10. A positive body image based on their body’s functions and abilities, not based on weight, shape or size   

It’s important to help these kids understand what is happening to their loved one and normalize their response to the crisis in the family. They need permission to have their own needs and feelings about the situation, while learning healthy coping skills and how to support their loved one. 

Focusing on the needs of these kids is vital prevention work. The combination of Nature plus Nurture puts them at high risk for developing eating disorders or other addictions. With the proper help, they need not become collateral damage in a family’s war against an eating disorder.   By engaging with them and addressing their needs directly, these tweens can grow into resilient teenagers and mentally healthy adults.  

Dina Zeckhausen, PhD, is the author of “The Ultimate Tween Survival Guide to Eating Disorders: Understanding Them, Preventing Them and Helping a Loved One.” (Zeckhausen, 2012).  Dr. Cynthia Bulik writes: "The Ultimate Tween Survival Guide" addresses the unique needs of young tweens who are struggling to make sense of their loved one’s eating disorder.  Grounded in the most current research on these complicated illnesses, Dr. Zeckhausen has created an accessible, hopeful and empathic resource to help support your loved one’s recovery."  

Learn more at www.tweensurvivalguide.com.

Grief: Losing Mark

This is a hard one to write.  I could say I was too busy or have nothing new to offer on this subject.  But truthfully, my hesitation about facing this column is that words feel inadequate, hollow, empty.

All I want to do is tell you about my cousin Mark, present you with a slide show of his big life, create a documentary, share a thousand stories. But I only have 1,000 words and this is about what it’s like to lose someone we love.  

How do we bear the pain?  How does it change us? How can we thrive and not just survive?  

So there’ll be no bullet points, no “Top Ten Tips on How to Cope with Loss.” I’m just going to share my reactions and experiences over the year that followed the worst day of my life. 

Driving home from work on March 16, 2011, my cellphone rang. My mother was sobbing: an airplane crash, my cousin Mark in the plane, he was dead. 

I’ll never erase the sound of anguish in her voice as she cried those horrific words.  A sick feeling emanated from the pit of my stomach, crawled up the back of my throat. I left my body. This was not happening.  Sweet Mark, whom I’d known and loved like a little brother since he was born… 

I don’t remember the drive home.  At the house, in a daze I sat at the computer and Googled “plane crash Longbeach.” And there it was: scenes of wreckage, a plume of smoke, witness reports…then the victims were identified and there was Mark’s name and his smiling face.   This bad dream was only getting worse.  

Mark and five buddies were on a small plane headed to Salt Lake City for a ski trip.  Immediately after takeoff, the plane banked and plunged to earth.  Only one man survived.  

Mark was only 44, a gifted athlete, a kind and generous man, a devoted father to his three teenage kids.  He had made an indelible impact in his community.  His motto was “Go Big or Go Home.”  His memorial service included a bike ride, a beautiful outdoor service and a Hawaiian paddle out ceremony with hundreds of people on surf-boards wearing leis. 

For weeks afterwards, my mind flashed with images, which triggered a fresh torrent of tears.  Alternating between images of the crash itself, was the gut-wrenching pain I felt for those who’d be most affected by his loss on a daily basis. I’d picture Mark’s mom losing her beloved son, his kids who’d experience a gaping hole in their lives. I’d imagine Mark’s two younger brothers and the indelible bond of this threesome since losing their Dad when they were kids.  I’d cry for Mark’s wife and the responsibility she’d feel to be strong for their kids.  I grieved that he would be missing from our family gatherings, that my kids wouldn’t experience a life-long relationship with their uncle. 

Mark was such a large presence that he seemed invincible.  I always felt that our family was blessed with good fortune, but deep down I feared that one day our “luck” would run out.  Mark’s death was so sudden, violent and unexpected that it shoved my previous world view off its axis.  I never imagined that THIS would be the unforeseen tragedy that the Universe had in store for our family.   

  

In those first few months I wondered what other tragedies were waiting around the corner. I started imagining horrific scenes of tragic accidents, deaths and losses happening to those I loved.  Anticipating worst case scenarios, my mind was trying to ward off death.  

Those first few months were an emotional roller coaster filled with flashes of pain, fear, sadness, disbelief, and then spells of denial.  But each morning I’d wake up, slapped by the harsh truth that Mark was really gone.   

As the denial wore off, I became more aware of a profound and deep sense of the fragility of life.  Even though I felt more vulnerable, the panic subsided.  While the pain and sadness were still very present, a new sense of peace was taking its place.     

Eventually more life-energy returned, which I experienced as a deep connection to Mark. He had a “Go-for-it,” “No-Excuses” philosophy of life.  Connecting to his drive, I found myself saying yes to new projects and no to things that didn’t feel like a valuable use of my time.  I took on new challenges with renewed optimism. 

  

I also started to experience each moment more fully.  I’ve become more present with my children, aware that in the blink of an eye they’ll be leaving home.  And because I know that at any moment I could be taken from them, I fill their love cups to the brim, pouring every drop of me into them.  I take extra time to focus on them, listen to them, touch them.  I’ve become more appreciative of all of my relationships and try to infuse more love into my interactions with others. 

  

I have also found myself feeling greater empathy to anyone experiencing grief or loss.  I now know from the inside how hard it is to navigate this world with a huge ball of pain in your heart.  

I still cry a lot in my car listening to the radio. Two popular songs can trigger a flood of tears: “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry and “Live Like We’re Dying” by Kris Allen. Rather than turn the station when these songs come on, I cry without regard to the concern of people in the adjacent vehicle.  The other place I weep is at my computer.  I click on certain Facebook pages- Mark’s page, his kids’, his wife’s, his brothers’, his mothers.’  Their words and pictures help me feel connected to the community of people who love, miss and were impacted by Mark’s life.  This alleviates some of the loneliness of the grief.  My heart needs these Tear Releases.  It doesn’t feel right when I go too long without crying. 

Near the anniversary of Mark’s death, my family flew to Salt Lake City to ski, embarking on the trip that Mark never got to complete. I wondered if I’d have a panic attack on the plane, but instead a feeling of calm washed over me. As we flew into Salt Lake City, a bright moon rose over the Rocky mountains.  “Hello, Mark.”  

I felt his presence traveling up the lifts, surveying the gorgeous craggy mountains and watching daring skiers carve turns on the off-trail runs.  Mark would’ve been one of those guys hiking with his skis on his back, then whooping with joy as he gracefully dominated the mountain.   

I stuck to the groomed trails and wore a helmet for the first time in 45 years of skiing (no more illusions of invincibility).  I warned my boys, “Be careful!” and caught my breath as I watched them ski away into the woods.    

        

Dina Zeckhausen is a nationally-known clinical psychologist and author who specializes in treating eating disorders and body image in both adults and adolescents. She is a weekly columnist for ShareWiK.com. You can visit her on the web at dinazeckhausen.com andMyEdin.org.

Binge Eating and Obesity: Overcoming the Need to Numb

     When people think of eating disorders, they picture the starving 15-year-old girl or the college student throwing up after a cookie binge.  I’d like you to expand your definition.  The 40-year-old woman about to undergo gastric bypass and the successful businessman who is 80 pounds overweight are both wrestling with eating disorders that are no less harmful and debilitating than anorexia and bulimia.      

     Unfortunately, these particular eating disorder sufferers are more likely to encounter a physician than a therapist.  The sad truth is that most physicians are woefully under-trained in nutrition or the psychology of over-eating.  Many doctors write prescriptions for obesity-related ailments but have neither time nor expertise to address underlying causes.  Many feel helpless and frustrated with overweight patients, viewing them as “awkward, unattractive, ugly, and non-compliant” (Obesity, Research Journal, 2003).  Since physicians report having “lower respect” for their overweight patients, it’s not surprising that many of these patients, sensing this disdain, avoid the health care system altogether  (Journal of General Internal Medicine, 2009). 

     

     Recently, I’ve seen an increase in overweight clients entering therapy.  Some are verging on diabetes.  For others, this is their last stop before bariatric surgery.  Still others arrive after surgery, stating, “I know I need to get my head on straight if I’m going to keep the weight off.”    

So many people want quick, simple solutions to this complex problem.  I’d like to share just a few of the themes that come up in our work together so you’ll understand why a diet, a pill or even surgery often won’t do the trick.   

  

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*Growing up as an overweight child who was teased and bullied for her weight, Jan’s self-worth is in the gutter.  She’ll need to learn to separate her "Worth" from her "Weight," no easy feat in this culture. By developing compassion for herself, taking better care of herself will start to feel right.  (How can you take care of something you hate?)   

*Uncovering and resolving childhood trauma is crucial.  As a child, Danielle used food to both punish and nurture herself after she was sexually abused by her stepfather. She unconsciously kept on extra weight as protection from unwanted sexual advances growing up.  As she works through this trauma in therapy, she’ll learn to establish healthy boundaries so it will feel safe for her to live in a body that attracts attention.  Therapy will also help her become more accepting of her own sexual needs and desires.   

* As a teenager, Tom gained 50 pounds after his mother died from cancer, soothing his feelings of loss and sadness with food.  He’s been unable to shed the weight through dieting.  Allowing himself to grieve will free him of the need to numb through binge eating.  

*Abby alternates between Denial and Panic.  She refuses to look at pictures of herself or gaze into a mirror.  Whenever she really sees her body, she becomes overwhelmed, angry, helpless and despondent.  Abby is learning to see herself accurately as well as manage her anxiety about her weight.  Until she faces and accepts the reality of where she is in this moment, she will continue to use food as soother, comforter and numbing agent. 

*Gary is learning Patience.  Now that he’s got his eyes open, he wants the weight off fast.   He must resist the siren call of “Lose 30 pounds in 30 days” lest he follow that with “Gain 40 pounds in 40 days.”  It will take time to re-wire his brain since it has followed the same neural pathway (i.e. bad feeling=go eat) for decades.  It may take a year to lose those 30 pounds forever, but more important than looking good at the reunion a month from now is being able to dance at his grandson’s wedding 20 years from now.  

*When you look at Sarah, you would not guess that she is a Perfectionist.  But this is the most common attribute shared by every person struggling with an eating disorder.  For binge eaters, the logic goes, “If I can’t follow my diet to the letter, then I might as well eat whatever and however much I want!”  It’s All or Nothing, Black or White, On or Off.  I remind Sarah that the goal is Normal eating, not Perfect eating.  Normal eating is flexible and probably averages out to about 80 percent healthy, 20 percent not-so-much.  This is a formula that a person can live with forever.  

*Ken is intrigued when I suggest he start listening to his body.  He realizes that he has tuned out the signals in his gut for decades. He ignores his satiety signals and barely recalls the last time he experienced hunger.  As we explore his fear of hunger, tears accompany his memories of childhood neglect and loneliness.  Ken is surprised to discover that connecting to this sadness actually helps him feel more alive and whole.  Discovering his ticket out of his eating disorder lies in his gut and not his brain is a new and exciting (and scary) concept.       

*Amanda is learning to recognize the Voice of her eating disorder. It says “I love you and I can make you feel better right now.”  It comes from the primal part of her brain focused on immediate pleasure.  But she can learn to shift into her frontal cortex where she has the capacity to think of the Big Picture.  In a different part of her brain, she can imagine how she’ll feel after she’s overeaten, how she’ll feel in the morning when she wakes up stuffed, how this binge will impact her health over time.  Her challenge is to stay conscious, awake and connected to the big picture when the Voice whispers, “Worry about all that stuff later…”    

*At age 60, Brenda is finally learning to say “No.” Her life-long pattern of taking care of everyone else’s needs only led to resentment, angry blow-ups and debilitating guilt.  Over-eating had been her way to take care of herself.  She’s learning that saying no to others frees up time and energy for activities that are truly fulfilling (and not just filling!).  

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     Recently a YouTube video from Britain’s Got Talent went viral. It features Jonathon Antoine, an overweight teen who sings like Pavarotti.  Before he sings, you see disdain and disgust on the faces of audience members.  Then he opens his mouth and we discover he is gifted, vulnerable, sweet and courageous.  Our harsh judgment is suddenly transformed into a rush of compassion.  

     Perhaps we can hold onto this little moment of insight when we step away from our computer screens.  We might all feel a little lighter. 

     Dina Zeckhausen is a nationally-known clinical psychologist and author who specializes in treating eating disorders and body image in both adults and adolescents. She is a weekly columnist for ShareWIK.com. You can visit her on the web at dinazeckhausen.com andMyEdin.org. Follow her on Twitter @drzeck.