A
few years ago when we were considering the mission of Pace LEAD, we came up
with the image of the Safety Net. We want to be able to be there to catch our
kids when and if they fall, to keep them safe from the dangers of potentially
risky behaviors.
It’s helpful to think of this net as having
multiple layers; the parts within ourselves, within our kids, between us and our
spouses, between us and our kids, between our kids and their friends, etc. I’m going to give you some quick tips for
keeping all of the layers of the net strong. These tips are supported by
research from the FCD website (http://fcd.org/fcd-learn/parents-in-prevention/)
and confirmed by the Pace teens who are involved in PASS (Pace Academy Student
Support) and have committed to abstaining from drugs and alcohol while at Pace.
These
tips also come from my experiences as a psychologist working with teens for 25
years as well as my own experiences as a step-mother to a now 35 year old man
and a mother to two Pace students…one of whom is a freshman at UGA, the other a
sophomore at Pace.
When
I went to my first Pace LEAD meeting, I had this sick feeling in the pit of my
stomach. I felt like I was at my own
intervention: a ritual designed to break through denial. Denial
helps us keep scary information at bay: It also prevents us from the horrible
feeling of panic.
So, please I urge you: the first tip is
this: Remain Calm. Don’t leave this meeting tonight and
interrogate your kid. Perhaps do some
meditation or yoga: whatever helps get
you re-centered. The Serenity Prayer is
a helpful: Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot change, the
Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
There is a LOT we can influence here. I
promise, the more we face the truth and learn best practices, the more
empowered we feel.
FYI, since that first Pace LEAD meeting five
years ago, my panic has subsided significantly because I feel like what I’ve
learned really helped me get through Cooper’s high school years. I am knocking
on wood, knowing that I may be jinxing myself and there is no way to predict Schuyler’s
actions over these next 2-1/2 years, but I feel better prepared having been
through it.
Now,
the first layer of the safety net is Within Your Child. Our job to try to Increase His
Resilience.
You’ve heard all about the teen brain and the
under-developed pre-frontal cortex that is not good at thinking through
consequences. So part of our job is to help strengthen that: and that means not
rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. (In the world of
Alcoholics Anonymous, this is called Enabling.)
It’s also about helping them delay gratification and work towards
broader goals.
We
also want to help our kids learn healthy ways to manage anxiety: going for a
walk, listening to music, knitting, doing something physically active,
unplugging. As hard as it is, it’s helpful to try to pull the kids off of their
phones, just to allow them their brains to calm down. Sleep, eating right, will all help your kid
feel better and stronger psychologically.
And if your kid seems to be especially distressed
lately, given the stress of recent events, take it seriously. She may benefit from talking to a therapist
or counselor about her feelings: this can be a great gift to give for your
child. Teens struggling with
psychological issues or who don’t have great coping skills are at higher risk
of abusing drugs or alcohol as a quick-fix way to feel better.
The next layer of the safety net is your
kids’ social network. So, Know Get to Your Kids Friends.
Tune
in to any shifts in their friendships, associations and activities. Ask simple questions (e.g., "How's so-and-so these
days?") to uncover red flags. If your kid isn’t driving yet, offer to
drive their friends around. It’s amazing how much you will learn about their
friends eavesdropping on car conversations.
Show genuine interest in their friends, but don’t be intrusive about it.
The next layer of the safety net
is your own behavior. You are a potent Role Model.
(This
lesson I have learned most clearly from listening to my teenage therapy clients
over the years. I have heard them
describe in detail their parents’ drinking patterns and the devastating impact
it has on them. I am not over-exaggerating here: it’s from the horses’
mouths…)
Your
kids are very tuned in and they are taking notes about the way you are handling
alcohol. Do some soul-searching about
your relationship to alcohol as your kids are going through high school. They
are watching closely. Talk to your spouse about the messages you may be
conveying.
Do
you crack open the wine bottle at 5:00 every day so you are buzzed every
evening at dinner?
Does
your spouse drink three mixed drinks at the restaurant and then get behind the
wheel?
Using alcohol to cope with stress or needing booze
to have a good time are all sending messages to your kids. Kiersten from FCD described it well: if
alcohol leads to a “shift in the dynamics” of the family—e.g. suddenly everyone
is more jovial, or arguments flare up, or promises are made with no follow
through…then the drinking has morphed from healthy to unhealthy.
Teens are highly sensitive to these shifting
emotional dynamics, and the change can really be jarring for them. At a deep level they feel abandoned (e.g.
there are no adults in charge any more).
Also, if you are acting in ways that you wouldn’t want your kid to act,
you risk losing your credibility with them.
Once your credibility is gone, you lose respect and trust…the very
foundation upon which most kids base their decision not to drink! They are not
going to care about “letting down their parents” if they neither respect nor
trust you anymore.
You
also want to be careful about the way your high school party experiences are
portrayed: “Oh, your mom was a crazy
partier in high school!” is very permission-giving, whether you think so or
not.
To add to this idea, the most important
connection in the safety net is the relationship between you and your
kids.
It’s
easy once the kids are in high school and starting to drive to just start
acting like the nest is empty. You see
your kids less and some parents just start “phoning it in.” (I think this is why the rates of alcohol use
among the seniors at Pace was so high)
But believe it or not, the research shows that
many students do not drink alcohol or use other drugs because they do not want to disappoint their parents. A positive relationship during this time is
the best prevention for problems.
So
how can you strengthen this connection?
1. Create rituals of
connection. For our family, these include walking the dogs each night, family
meals, or just sitting around chatting in the evenings. Do not let too many days go by without
checking in about how they are doing.
2. No phones at dinner
table. Family time is the opportunity to
learn social skills, listening skills and other important life lessons.
3. Beware of your own tendency
to disconnect. We are all addicted to our phones and we need to model for our
kids that the person in front of you is the most important person in the world.
4. Trust until they prove
otherwise. As Mark Crawford recently
noted: “Trust is the currency that buys freedom.” The more honest your child
is, the more opportunities they should get to try things, even if they feel
risky to you. This is how to prepare them for the world.
5. When your kid has been out
late, make sure they know that you or your spouse will be awake when they walk
in the door. They will get a big hug and you will smell him and chat with
him! On the flip side, if he knows he
can sneak in past curfew and his parents will be asleep, there are no
consequences for making the wrong decision…
So, a bit more on parenting style.
Permissive
parents tend to rescue their kids from the consequences of their actions
because they don’t want their kids to feel bad.
They want to be their kid’s friend, not the “bad guy.” This is usually out of a fear that their kid
will rebel against any limits they set.
As well-intentioned as this approach may be, it appears that kids often
perceive this as: “My parents don’t care.”
In fact, teens with permissive parents drink more and have worse
consequences in college than parents with tighter reigns.
At
the other extreme are the Overly Strict parents.
They
may be psychologically intrusive, and this leads to a shutting down of
communication. Parents who say, “Don’t
Argue With Me!” will end up with kids who may be obedient, but they may also be
depressed. They are also likely to work on finding creative ways to lie to you
and work around your rules because they no longer care about pleasing you. Remember, a positive relationship is the
key!
So what is the middle ground?
A more
balanced approach is to:
*Set
a few clear expectations with consequences.
You can state that you expect that they will NOT drink, and talk about
what will happen if they do.
*Explaining
& enforcing rules helps kids feel safe!
*Some
arguing and conflict helps kids feel heard, and if they feel like the rules
were actually a mutual collaboration, then they will have a greater respect for
the rules because they have buy-in.
*Start
tight in 8th and 9th grade and then gradually loosen the
reigns over the years as they demonstrate maturity and responsibility.
Another
important way to shore up the safety net is to give your kid an OUT for
drinking. Remember, kids want
limits. Help them practice saying NO
(these are called “resistance behaviors.”) “My parents would ground me for life,”
“I have practice in the morning,” “No thanks, I’m on cold medicine.” There are
many creative ways to get out of drinking situations. One encouraging fact we
heard from the kids involved with PASS is that when they say no to drinking at
a party, they DO NOT feel “peer pressure” to drink. Their friends are like,
“That’s cool!” (Isn’t that why we love
these kids; they have nice manners and are respectful that way!)
Discourages
overnights because nothing good ever happens late at night. Just come up with a curfew and explain that
you’d like your kid sleeping in their own bed…
Also,
get the “Find My iPhone” app and let your teen know that it’s on your phone.
This way they are less likely to lie, knowing you can check their location
remotely. They should also have an Uber
app on their phone as well, just in case they are in a situation where they
need a ride and drinking has taken place.
While this may remove the incentive for Designated Drivers to stay sober,
obviously safety is our first priority.
Surprisingly,
some kids actually request that their parents buy drug testing kits and
breathalyzers. Having these in the house
gives them one more reason to say No.
Interestingly, based on the survey data, the
number one place that kids drink is “at other kids’ houses.” Don’t make that be
YOUR house. It’s just a good idea to not throw House parties. You are asking
for trouble. If kids end up drinking at
your house, even if you didn’t knowingly supply the alcohol, you can be liable
for bad things that happen after they leave your property.
There
are so many fun things to do in Atlanta.
The
Escape the Room http://atlanta.escapetheroom.com
)
Top
Golf (http://topgolf.com/us/atlanta/)
Bowl
at the Painted Pin (http://www.thepaintedpin.com/)
The
Ferris Wheel downtown (http://skyviewatlanta.com/).
There
are so many creative activities that do not involve sitting around your house
and potentially getting into risky behaviors.
But if you DO decide to brave it and throw a
party, limit the guests and actually count them! When you reach your max, send kids away. (Mike Gannon recommended a max of TWO guests…) Be sure to check the back
yard because teens often hide booze in the bushes the afternoon before the
party. Obviously do not provide alcohol
and lock up your liquor. You can get in
major legal trouble for having drunk teens on your property. Do the Random Pop-in; if they think Mom is
going to poke her head in every so often it will keep the lid on the wildness.
And by all means stay sober, awake & available. If you are partying hard upstairs, then there
are effectively no adults in the house.
The stakes are too high for you to be checked out.
And
another key part of the safety net is the relationship between you and the
other parents. I’m thrilled that the
Pace directory now has our cell phone numbers in it!
I’ve used this a number of
times to verify Schuyler’s stories about going to someone’s house when “his mom
is definitely there” – only to call and find out the mom is definitely NOT
there and had no idea her son was inviting friends over! These moms were so
appreciative that I had reached out. It
can be incredibly re-assuring for all parents involved to have a parent ally
during these evenings of teens moving from house to house as the night unfolds. The kids need to know that you will be
confirming their stories! (And if any of
your kids say they are headed to my house, PLEASE call me! 404-386-2945.) If my child is having kids over, I WANT you
to care enough to find out if I’m home… and if I’m NOT having kids over then
you will want to be able double check your kids’ story. And feel free to blame Pace LEAD. (The biggest mistake we made as parents
twenty years ago when we were ushering my step-son through his teen years was
that we NEVER called other parents to corroborate his stories. We only discovered years later that his
friends’ parents were rarely home and there was major unsupervised partying
going on. We learned our lesson the hard way.
Never again.)
And
the final layer of the safety net is your connection to Pace Academy. We are so fortunate to be at a school with the
kind of loving faculty and staff who truly want our kids to be healthy and
happy. If you or your kids are worried
about a teenager’s substance use, you can make an anonymous referral through
INSTEAD. This is a non-disciplinary committee of faculty who will reach out to
that kid, and if need be, to the child’s parents.
Also, Pace LEAD needs your help to keep this
program going. Our committee’s terms is up and we need new blood! We’d love for
LEAD to host the very popular house parties next Fall, but it takes a village
to make this happen. At the parties we explore the survey data and break into
small group discussions to share advice, information and support. We have found
that this approach is incredibly effective for educating parents and improving
the cohesiveness of our wonderful community.
You can get involved on the Steering Committee, or host a house party
for parents in your grade next year. You can also volunteer to help facilitate
the house party discussions. Don’t be
intimidated by this! We will train you
and it’s not hard: it’s actually quite fun!
Please email seden@paceacademy.org
if you want to get involved. Pace LEAD needs you to carry on this great
tradition and to help keep the drug/alcohol use trends moving in a positive
direction at Pace. We hope you join us!
